I’ve often heard neurospicy adults say:
I’ve never had a single community that I’ve felt comfortable belonging to.
I’ve never belonged to a community.
I’ve avoided communities like the plague.
I can relate to these statements. Can you?
For most of my life, I longed to find a community where I truly felt a sense of belonging. Yet, I was an outlier—either unaware of it or unwilling to accept it. What I lacked from the start was a deeper understanding of myself and my own needs.
Like many gifted individuals, I felt alien—not just occasionally, but for years on end. I assumed the problem was me. I asked myself countless times: Why can’t I be myself in communities? Why don’t I feel safe? Why can’t I enjoy what others seem to revel in?
I didn’t realize that my needs went beyond conventional social groups. I craved intellectual stimulation, emotional depth, and shared values. I wanted to belong without masking or shrinking myself to fit in.
Communities often felt rewarding for extroverts but diminishing for introverts. Without someone explicitly saying, Hey, what do you think, Lil? and genuinely listening to my response, it felt impossible to get a word in. I resorted to having conversations in my head. If that didn’t amuse me enough, I’d check the time, calculating when I could leave without seeming rude.
I found solace in my close circle of friends, but bringing them together proved tricky. Each friend mirrored or supported different aspects of my multitudinous self. When I brought them together, they rarely had anything in common.
I often asked myself:
Who are my people?
When will I stop feeling like an outsider looking in?
How can I find community if I don’t even know where to start?
I envied those who thrived in community—those who shared their highs and lows among like-minded people, who contributed in meaningful ways, who felt a sense of belonging and purpose.
The Importance of Community
An article by Heather Pace for SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted) highlights the significance of community:
In today's fast-paced and interconnected world, the importance of community cannot be overstated. Human beings are inherently social creatures, and our social and emotional well-being greatly relies on the connections we forge with others. Community serves as a source of support, understanding, and validation. It provides a space where individuals can freely express themselves, share their stories, and connect with others who share similar experiences. For gifted individuals, finding a community that understands and appreciates their unique abilities and challenges is particularly crucial. Such communities create a sense of belonging and acceptance, allowing gifted individuals to embrace their talents and navigate the complexities of their giftedness.
Gifted communities can foster emotional well-being, create inclusive and supportive environments, and empower people to use their voices.
If Finding Community Feels Overwhelming
If the idea of finding community feels too big right now, consider what Devon Price calls expansive recognition. This means accepting your reality as it is, without attaching moral judgments. It involves looking at your own context with compassion, practicing vulnerability with trusted individuals, and holding onto the hope that you may one day meet people who are willing to be in community with you, too.
Questions to Help You Find the Right Community
To discover a community that aligns with your needs, ask yourself:
What kind of community are you looking for? Deep one-on-one friendships, stimulating group discussions, or a casual space to be yourself?
Do you prefer structured or organic interactions? Organized groups or more fluid, spontaneous connections?
How much emotional intensity do you want to share? Do you need a space where people are open about their emotions, or do you prefer intellectual engagement with less personal sharing?
Do you need a space specifically for neurodivergent/gifted people, or do you thrive in mixed communities? Some enjoy groups where everyone shares similar traits, while others prefer diverse thinking styles.
What topics or activities light you up? Philosophy, psychology, science, social justice, creative writing, gaming, niche hobbies—finding a group centered on shared passions can help.
What level of social energy do you have? Do you need a community that respects social burnout, or do you thrive in high-energy, ongoing interactions?
Where do people like you already gather? Online forums (e.g., gifted, ADHD, autistic communities on Facebook, Discord, or Reddit), local meetups, interest-based groups, or co-working spaces that attract deep thinkers and creative minds?
What are the unspoken norms of this community? Is intellectual curiosity encouraged, or is deep discussion seen as too much? Are members emotionally supportive, or does the culture lean towards debate and challenge?
Do you feel seen and valued there? Are your intensities, depth, and quirks embraced, or do you feel like you have to hold back?
Is there space for both your strengths and struggles? Can you celebrate giftedness without feeling like you’re boasting? Can you express your struggles without feeling dismissed?
Do you leave interactions feeling energized or drained? A good fit should feel like a relief—not another place where you have to mask or perform.
You Are Not Alone
You’re not alone if you struggle to find a community that truly feels right.
You’re not alone if the very word community makes you uneasy.
You’re not alone if community by proxy—immersing yourself in a group without directly engaging—feels like all you can manage right now.
Sometimes, all it takes is two or three like-minded people to create that sense of community—this could be your found family. Sometimes, it takes a crowd of diverse strangers to make you feel seen. Sometimes, the context makes all the difference.
I never thought I’d say that I’ve found my community. It took over sixty years, but it was worth the wait. It has changed my life for the better in countless ways. I wish with all my heart that you find this joy, too.
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