What you’ve offered here with a spotlight on the needs of people who live with neurodivergence is a beautiful trail through the research about how humans adapt to captivity in exploitative systems that have been built and maintained deliberately to maim some to benefit others.
And I continued to think as I read through your entire piece that what you’re offering is a trail for everyone who has been maimed, marginalized and continually punished by the political and religious and economic systems that have run western civilizations for a lot longer than my 76 years, Lily.
I’m so glad to read this today as I’m finally arriving at a point in my own psyche, where I can simply look straight at the facts without reflexively blaming myself for the moral injury I’ve preserved myself from collapsing into over the course of my entire life.
Everything you’ve written here applies to all people of color, all women, all native people, all people who are not cis-gendered, all people who live with various kinds of physical disabilities, all people who have fallen into poverty, all people who are aging in systems that deny their personhood… and on and on.
As I read through your steps at the end, I kept thinking they are wonderful operating steps the Democratic Party could take as a platform and use them to gather us together to make the exits we all need… And then I realize that the Democratic Party is every bit as broken as all the rest of the systems.
I’m making art again and writing here as deliberate practices of preservation.
Thank you for everything you’ve written here @Meri Aaron Walker I deeply appreciate your thoughts and reflections which I’ve read through a couple of times now to absorb them fully. The scope of the big themes I’m writing about in this essay are brilliantly encapsulated by you. I’m so glad that you’re no longer blaming yourself for something that was never your fault. You kept yourself alive in ways that many don’t succeed in doing. Preservation is the aim. And I’m also glad to hear that you’re making art now which is hopefully something that’s nourishing you. Creativity can be an act of preservation and rebellion against the incessant consumerism we’re being incentivised to do. Instead, we’re cultivating our inner lives through creativity and giving something back. I know I’ve found art to be a saving grace in my life. Warmly, Lil
I appreciate you taking time to really think through what I wrote about your essay, Lily. You’re offering some enormously valuable perspectives here for people who process experience differently than do many of the people that surround us.
I don’t want to minimize the difference between whatever western culture has recognized as “normal” and the ways that those of us who have always lived outside the middle of the bell curve navigate our lives. I just see a bigger picture the older I get and it breaks my heart watching little cliques of difference forming that distance us from one another’s humanity. It’s not just neurodivergent people who have been hurt
Before we can come together in a way that feels safe each of us has to find a place for our uniqueness. But once we feel seen and heard, we need to come together. The Earth is screaming for us to come together and help Her. All our towns and communities are fragmented. And the predators are hell bent on keeping us that way.
I’m delighted to find your writing here and the way you honor the ways we’ve been hurt. Once we’re witnessed, though, it’s so important that we come together in all the colors of the rainbow and each of us do what we can to help one another and the Earth.
So agree with everything you’ve written here, Meri, thank you. I didn’t think your previous comment did anything to minimise the experiences of those who live outside the scope of “normal.” I thought you were wonderfully inclusive. I totally hear what you’re saying and feel your message is deeply important. Thank you for connecting with me and this community. I’m sure so many will find much resonance in your words.
Well, I feel welcomed here and especially grateful watching the way you engage with your folks here. You’re using this space for real conversation amongst people who are not always welcome in other venues. That’s such a valuable gift to give, Lily.
Thank you very much for your wonderful acknowledgement, Meri. It means the world. It's so important to me that there's real conversation and opportunities to learn from each other. I, more than anyone, have so much to learn. I feel I'm catching up on decades of being in the dark! I'm so inspired by this generous and kind community. Thank you for being here.
I remember, back in 2012, when I came across a book by an economist outlining the mechanisms and design of income inequality. I was destroyed inside, being on the very low end of that line.
I tried to tell my mother about it, and for years she'd refer to my behavior -- crying, despair, utter hopelessness -- as me "being negative." My mother had no current perspective on poverty, having been able to move out of it when class mobility was still an option. For me, the recognition of the constraints I am still within are as resonant now as they were in 2012, if not more so, given the way the economy has polarized.
Finding systems thinkers, other gifted and 2e people, was the first ray of light I'd seen in more than a decade. Micro-sovereignty is a concept I've been circling without language for the past few years, but more intensely for the past month or so. Frankl's work has also come to mind, many times.
There is a way to witness responsibly, so I will do my best here: I am a nonlinear thinker, 2e, late-diagnosed autistic mom of two young adult, 2e, autistic GLP kids, and we live below the poverty line. We have lived below the poverty line since 2010. It is not a personal failing that I have either burned out of any work that I've been in or been too burned out to even look for work. My income is fixed, and that is barely enough to survive, so that's what I've chosen to do.
Preserve...and keep one ear to the ground.
If any of this resonates, know that you are not alone. You are not imagining things. You are intelligent. Preservation is intelligent.
Yes, preservation is intelligent. Greatly appreciate all that you’ve written here with such great insight. I’m sure other members of this community will relate to what you’ve written here. Thank you very much for reading and commenting, @Lately Found.
Thank you for reading and commenting so kindly on this epic essay, Ted. Yes, I thought we needed to land this with 10 gentle actions to provide some clarity and hope. X
Brilliant analysis and advice! As a teacher disillusioned by America’s educational workplace structures, this resonates with me so much. Your description of how learned helplessness plays a role in all this and how micro-sovereignty is the antidote makes perfect sense and is exactly what I’ve experienced! The action steps you recommend are extremely thoughtful. Thank you on behalf of everyone who will benefit from reading this!!!
Thank you very much for reading and writing, PinkMoon78. I greatly appreciate hearing where you’re coming from and so glad the essay resonates with you. This means the world, especially on this deeply destabilising and distressing topic. So glad, too, that the action steps are supportive.
“The door that looks permanently closed has, in the majority of cases, a hinge that wasn’t visible from where you were standing.”
This is what kept me alive in some really tough employment situations: watchful waiting for the door to present itself, and holding on to the courage to walk through it when it finally opened.
This is wonderful to hear, Annie. I’m so glad you found the door and had the courage to walk through it when it finally opened. Thanks for reading and commenting🌟
When I started reading, my initial thought was, “This is quite compelling and interesting, but I’ve passed through a moral injury and the dynamics of being within it, so it’s not currently applicable to my present life.”
And then I realized I was wrong. 😸
“Neurotypical people who are trapped in injuring systems develop a degree of protective partial blindness – an adaptive capacity to stop fully seeing what the system is doing, which allows them to function within it without continuous acute distress.”
After reading this definition, I immediately recognized myself within a previous multi-decade relationship. All the facets you describe around that “protective partial blindness” rang true vis-à-vis a relationship that has been near nonexistent for many years. Many of the survival strategies you describe I unconsciously implemented to keep my core self intact.
Yet, I then realized something additional: that traumatic relationship ended; however, only over the last couple of years have I begun to gain awareness of that partial blindness and of the trauma itself. Only in recent times have I begun to process the trauma incrementally built up over those previous couple of decades. That partial blindness is only now being swept away. And now I’m more fully seeing and grieving the accumulated weight of not fully being my genuine self for so long.
One can be either in or beyond relationships where partial blindness is used as self-preservation. My experience suggests that once exited, one should go easy on oneself—processing that trauma may take some seasons to work through.
Thank you for naming this “stuckness” we may find ourselves embedded within. And for providing a helpful framework that one can apply to address circumstances that might not presently be escaped.
Wow, Eric, this is such an insightful comment, thank you. I tend to think that it’s only after our nervous systems have the distance - and safety - from the original wound that we can start to access parts of ourselves that we’ve never seen before. And it’s so surprising, isn’t it, when it can be decades later. And also, that it can be about things we thought were already healed or at least addressed in some resolved way. How brilliant our nervous systems are to survive so much that was deeply destabilising - more in magnitude than we, perhaps, even realised at the time. I’m so glad my essay offered something more than you expected, Eric. Many thanks for letting me know your reflections and discoveries.
You're welcome, Lily. Yes, all that emotion that was subverted and rechanneled over many years rises to the surface and is continually released. It’s oceanic. “How much more can continue to pour forth?” is a question if frequently pose. And it just keeps coming.
This reminded me of a parallel in horticulture: a plant in the wrong environment adapts. Growing smaller leaves, shallower roots, stretching sideways to capture more light...
From the outside these survival mechanisms look normal. But from the inside the plant is spending everything it's got just to survive. The adaptations aren't failure. They're intelligence under constraint. The hardest part is that the same energy that leaving requires, is exactly what the wrong environment consumes. I think about that loop a lot 🌿.
Thank you for reading and for your insightful comment, Alexandra. That’s exactly it - adaptations aren’t failures. They are intelligence under constraint. I also appreciate the loop you identified. I think about it a lot, too🌟
This is the highest compliment anyone could ever pay me, Julia. It’s brought tears to my eyes. Deep appreciation for your kindness. It means the world to me🧡
This essay and guide is something I wish I had. It is so clearly written.
Somehow I did many of these things in my 18 year abusive relationship. I think that some of my deepest grief about fleeing is leaving my gardens which were how I kept me going. The 10 acres of forest I walked daily. Those things reminded me of me. My creativity too. Sewing gowns for the local Witch’s ball especially helped me imagine being elsewhere and creative at the same time. I was in a woman’s group that met monthly as well. I kept grasping for whatever I could to maintain my self. I also started naming it to his face. Please do not shut me up. Please do not gaslight me.I did it instinctually. I still catch myself, even now, asking why it took me so long to leave. Then I say. Financial stability. I remind myself still. I try to keep the memories of the bad stuff clear too so I do not romanticise and second guess my choice to get out.
Thank you for reading and offering these poignant reflections, Michelle. Appreciate all that you’ve written here as I’m sure other members of this community will, too.
What you’ve offered here with a spotlight on the needs of people who live with neurodivergence is a beautiful trail through the research about how humans adapt to captivity in exploitative systems that have been built and maintained deliberately to maim some to benefit others.
And I continued to think as I read through your entire piece that what you’re offering is a trail for everyone who has been maimed, marginalized and continually punished by the political and religious and economic systems that have run western civilizations for a lot longer than my 76 years, Lily.
I’m so glad to read this today as I’m finally arriving at a point in my own psyche, where I can simply look straight at the facts without reflexively blaming myself for the moral injury I’ve preserved myself from collapsing into over the course of my entire life.
Everything you’ve written here applies to all people of color, all women, all native people, all people who are not cis-gendered, all people who live with various kinds of physical disabilities, all people who have fallen into poverty, all people who are aging in systems that deny their personhood… and on and on.
As I read through your steps at the end, I kept thinking they are wonderful operating steps the Democratic Party could take as a platform and use them to gather us together to make the exits we all need… And then I realize that the Democratic Party is every bit as broken as all the rest of the systems.
I’m making art again and writing here as deliberate practices of preservation.
Thank you for everything you’ve written here @Meri Aaron Walker I deeply appreciate your thoughts and reflections which I’ve read through a couple of times now to absorb them fully. The scope of the big themes I’m writing about in this essay are brilliantly encapsulated by you. I’m so glad that you’re no longer blaming yourself for something that was never your fault. You kept yourself alive in ways that many don’t succeed in doing. Preservation is the aim. And I’m also glad to hear that you’re making art now which is hopefully something that’s nourishing you. Creativity can be an act of preservation and rebellion against the incessant consumerism we’re being incentivised to do. Instead, we’re cultivating our inner lives through creativity and giving something back. I know I’ve found art to be a saving grace in my life. Warmly, Lil
I appreciate you taking time to really think through what I wrote about your essay, Lily. You’re offering some enormously valuable perspectives here for people who process experience differently than do many of the people that surround us.
I don’t want to minimize the difference between whatever western culture has recognized as “normal” and the ways that those of us who have always lived outside the middle of the bell curve navigate our lives. I just see a bigger picture the older I get and it breaks my heart watching little cliques of difference forming that distance us from one another’s humanity. It’s not just neurodivergent people who have been hurt
Before we can come together in a way that feels safe each of us has to find a place for our uniqueness. But once we feel seen and heard, we need to come together. The Earth is screaming for us to come together and help Her. All our towns and communities are fragmented. And the predators are hell bent on keeping us that way.
I’m delighted to find your writing here and the way you honor the ways we’ve been hurt. Once we’re witnessed, though, it’s so important that we come together in all the colors of the rainbow and each of us do what we can to help one another and the Earth.
So agree with everything you’ve written here, Meri, thank you. I didn’t think your previous comment did anything to minimise the experiences of those who live outside the scope of “normal.” I thought you were wonderfully inclusive. I totally hear what you’re saying and feel your message is deeply important. Thank you for connecting with me and this community. I’m sure so many will find much resonance in your words.
Well, I feel welcomed here and especially grateful watching the way you engage with your folks here. You’re using this space for real conversation amongst people who are not always welcome in other venues. That’s such a valuable gift to give, Lily.
Thank you very much for your wonderful acknowledgement, Meri. It means the world. It's so important to me that there's real conversation and opportunities to learn from each other. I, more than anyone, have so much to learn. I feel I'm catching up on decades of being in the dark! I'm so inspired by this generous and kind community. Thank you for being here.
I remember, back in 2012, when I came across a book by an economist outlining the mechanisms and design of income inequality. I was destroyed inside, being on the very low end of that line.
I tried to tell my mother about it, and for years she'd refer to my behavior -- crying, despair, utter hopelessness -- as me "being negative." My mother had no current perspective on poverty, having been able to move out of it when class mobility was still an option. For me, the recognition of the constraints I am still within are as resonant now as they were in 2012, if not more so, given the way the economy has polarized.
Finding systems thinkers, other gifted and 2e people, was the first ray of light I'd seen in more than a decade. Micro-sovereignty is a concept I've been circling without language for the past few years, but more intensely for the past month or so. Frankl's work has also come to mind, many times.
There is a way to witness responsibly, so I will do my best here: I am a nonlinear thinker, 2e, late-diagnosed autistic mom of two young adult, 2e, autistic GLP kids, and we live below the poverty line. We have lived below the poverty line since 2010. It is not a personal failing that I have either burned out of any work that I've been in or been too burned out to even look for work. My income is fixed, and that is barely enough to survive, so that's what I've chosen to do.
Preserve...and keep one ear to the ground.
If any of this resonates, know that you are not alone. You are not imagining things. You are intelligent. Preservation is intelligent.
That's all, that's my witness.
Yes, preservation is intelligent. Greatly appreciate all that you’ve written here with such great insight. I’m sure other members of this community will relate to what you’ve written here. Thank you very much for reading and commenting, @Lately Found.
This essay is an amazingly thoughtful, considered and comprehensive review of what happens when someone is stuck.
I love the list of 10 actions you suggested at the end, they provide the glimmer of hope that there is a way forward, thank you.
Thank you for reading and commenting so kindly on this epic essay, Ted. Yes, I thought we needed to land this with 10 gentle actions to provide some clarity and hope. X
The framing you give is so helpful. I’m the caregiver of an adult child with complex disabilities.
Thank you for letting me know this, Holly. So glad you’ve found support here. Appreciate you for reading, commenting and sharing my essay.
Brilliant analysis and advice! As a teacher disillusioned by America’s educational workplace structures, this resonates with me so much. Your description of how learned helplessness plays a role in all this and how micro-sovereignty is the antidote makes perfect sense and is exactly what I’ve experienced! The action steps you recommend are extremely thoughtful. Thank you on behalf of everyone who will benefit from reading this!!!
Thank you very much for reading and writing, PinkMoon78. I greatly appreciate hearing where you’re coming from and so glad the essay resonates with you. This means the world, especially on this deeply destabilising and distressing topic. So glad, too, that the action steps are supportive.
“The door that looks permanently closed has, in the majority of cases, a hinge that wasn’t visible from where you were standing.”
This is what kept me alive in some really tough employment situations: watchful waiting for the door to present itself, and holding on to the courage to walk through it when it finally opened.
This is wonderful to hear, Annie. I’m so glad you found the door and had the courage to walk through it when it finally opened. Thanks for reading and commenting🌟
When I started reading, my initial thought was, “This is quite compelling and interesting, but I’ve passed through a moral injury and the dynamics of being within it, so it’s not currently applicable to my present life.”
And then I realized I was wrong. 😸
“Neurotypical people who are trapped in injuring systems develop a degree of protective partial blindness – an adaptive capacity to stop fully seeing what the system is doing, which allows them to function within it without continuous acute distress.”
After reading this definition, I immediately recognized myself within a previous multi-decade relationship. All the facets you describe around that “protective partial blindness” rang true vis-à-vis a relationship that has been near nonexistent for many years. Many of the survival strategies you describe I unconsciously implemented to keep my core self intact.
Yet, I then realized something additional: that traumatic relationship ended; however, only over the last couple of years have I begun to gain awareness of that partial blindness and of the trauma itself. Only in recent times have I begun to process the trauma incrementally built up over those previous couple of decades. That partial blindness is only now being swept away. And now I’m more fully seeing and grieving the accumulated weight of not fully being my genuine self for so long.
One can be either in or beyond relationships where partial blindness is used as self-preservation. My experience suggests that once exited, one should go easy on oneself—processing that trauma may take some seasons to work through.
Thank you for naming this “stuckness” we may find ourselves embedded within. And for providing a helpful framework that one can apply to address circumstances that might not presently be escaped.
Wow, Eric, this is such an insightful comment, thank you. I tend to think that it’s only after our nervous systems have the distance - and safety - from the original wound that we can start to access parts of ourselves that we’ve never seen before. And it’s so surprising, isn’t it, when it can be decades later. And also, that it can be about things we thought were already healed or at least addressed in some resolved way. How brilliant our nervous systems are to survive so much that was deeply destabilising - more in magnitude than we, perhaps, even realised at the time. I’m so glad my essay offered something more than you expected, Eric. Many thanks for letting me know your reflections and discoveries.
You're welcome, Lily. Yes, all that emotion that was subverted and rechanneled over many years rises to the surface and is continually released. It’s oceanic. “How much more can continue to pour forth?” is a question if frequently pose. And it just keeps coming.
How long does it take to drain a vast reservoir?
Yes! It is a vast reservoir. It's oceanic. It just keeps coming. I appreciate this and relate so much. Thank you for the conversation, Eric.
This reminded me of a parallel in horticulture: a plant in the wrong environment adapts. Growing smaller leaves, shallower roots, stretching sideways to capture more light...
From the outside these survival mechanisms look normal. But from the inside the plant is spending everything it's got just to survive. The adaptations aren't failure. They're intelligence under constraint. The hardest part is that the same energy that leaving requires, is exactly what the wrong environment consumes. I think about that loop a lot 🌿.
Thank you for reading and for your insightful comment, Alexandra. That’s exactly it - adaptations aren’t failures. They are intelligence under constraint. I also appreciate the loop you identified. I think about it a lot, too🌟
Beautiful piece of work. Thank you.
Thank you for reading and commenting, Julia🌟
I felt I wanted to honour your work and mind.
This is the highest compliment anyone could ever pay me, Julia. It’s brought tears to my eyes. Deep appreciation for your kindness. It means the world to me🧡
❤️❤️❤️
This essay and guide is something I wish I had. It is so clearly written.
Somehow I did many of these things in my 18 year abusive relationship. I think that some of my deepest grief about fleeing is leaving my gardens which were how I kept me going. The 10 acres of forest I walked daily. Those things reminded me of me. My creativity too. Sewing gowns for the local Witch’s ball especially helped me imagine being elsewhere and creative at the same time. I was in a woman’s group that met monthly as well. I kept grasping for whatever I could to maintain my self. I also started naming it to his face. Please do not shut me up. Please do not gaslight me.I did it instinctually. I still catch myself, even now, asking why it took me so long to leave. Then I say. Financial stability. I remind myself still. I try to keep the memories of the bad stuff clear too so I do not romanticise and second guess my choice to get out.
Thank you for reading and offering these poignant reflections, Michelle. Appreciate all that you’ve written here as I’m sure other members of this community will, too.