What’s telling is when the objection is put out into the public in your comments section. Dirk could have just as easily “respectfully disagreed” with you through a private message. Such a well articulated essay. You nailed it. Thank you!
Thank you, Drew. Your comment means a lot to me. I appreciate your insight - a private message would have been appropriate and respectful versus a public "outing" in a comments section.
Oof! I feel you, Laura. That's exactly the experience my essay explores. It's so frustrating and fraught with misunderstanding that we've been navigating, one way or another, for a long time. Thank you for reading and commenting.
I’ve not received it directly but friends have. Yes, so true, it’s a convenient, catch all gas light for any struggle a woman may have. Then again, women’s menstrual cycle has also been similarly targeted. Perhaps it’s the continuation of a life long - chronic - trend.
Thanks Lil for establishing space for authentic acceptance of both a gifted self and others.
I've experienced the isolation and criticism of self you point to. No one has a right to encapsulate an individual in simple terms, especially in the world we're all trying to live in.
Thanks again for your creation of a welcoming community.
Thank you very much, Steve, for reading and commenting. It’s great to have you in this community. I deeply appreciate all that you’ve written here. That’s so true, no one has the right to encapsulate an individual in simple terms. We’re all trying to get along as best we can – there’s room enough for differences of opinion as well as different ways of being. Warmly, Lil
Lily, your work is consistently relevant and insightful. You have a way of clearly showing nuance and complexity in ways that are, while not of sound bite length (thank heavens!), remain succinct and clear while retaining detail. It's often evident that much thought and prior experience (both informally lived and professionally learned) have gone into the formation and expression of what you write.
This piece is not only emblematic of what I've just described, it is exceptional amongst your already extraordinary body of work. You express an important perspective that is highly relevant for this era. And you do it thoughtfully and with firm kindness.
At the risk of falling prey to the very kind of reductionism you eloquently describe, a key element lies in this line:
“I may not fully understand this person’s lived reality.”
The essence of this statement runs through your piece; how we choose to examine our understanding of another (in addition to the already challenging work of trying to understand our own personal existences) is essential to navigating a world that sometimes seems oscillate between ideologies centered on "one size fits all" and those in which there is no meaningful commonality, only random and chaotic individual experiences.
Thank you so much for articulating this. It means the world to me and, I suspect, to quite a few others. It's a milestone piece.
As a side note, you also recall a discussion around why rigid ideologies can be doomed to fail. Too much to go into for this note; a discussion for another time.
Thank you so much for this amazing comment, Eric. I am deeply grateful for every word - they’ve gone straight to my heart. Your support means the world! Yes, I feel this essay expresses something that needed to be articulated. It’s been a long time coming! Thank you for seeing me, being there and being you, Eric. Your words are always truly meaningful, relevant, highly perceptive and of a rare calibre. Warmly, Lil
I was also feeling the same way about this article as Eric did - and he expressed it so much better than I would have! So, thank you for this article, it was very much “what he said”! ☺️
Thanks so much for sharing. I've grappled with these issues too and I've boiled it down to a simple question- is this an invitation to engage in a reciprocal relationship or an act of domination? Scrutinising the underlying power dynamics helps me avoid going down the deep rabbit hole unnecessarily and dealing with the subsequent exhaustion! X
Thank you very much for reading and commenting, Emily. Love your simple question. Too true – scrutinising the underlying power dynamics is such a helpful step and yes, saving massive amounts of energy in the process!! That’s hard-earned wisdom and I appreciate you for sharing it.
Someone recently commented on a long, nuanced, exploratory essay around my experiences as a neurodivergent person with "Sounds like mast cell activation." When a trail of such invalidating, dismissive and irrelevant comments appeared on other essays and Notes (from the same person), I blocked them. Thank you for naming this kind of behaviour what it is.
Thank you for reading and commenting, Morgana. Geez, mast cell activation hey? I find comments like this maddening! I suppose that’s sometimes their aim. Yes, I’m experiencing the same thing - some comments are brief, some long - skirting the perimeters of this community. The ‘block’ button has been used a few times to protect my nervous system.
All around all of us are self proclaimed experts. Once these people decide they are experts that means they have stopped learning as they think they already know everything.
Very well said and encapsulates so well what I've noticed too in online spaces, where it's so easy for someone to waltz into another’s space and demand evidence or claim they have superior knowledge. At the root of this issue is that all of us have the right and should be encouraged to develop self-trust, that we know ourselves best and can determine better than anyone what is best for ourselves, and that at the same time we cannot be the ultimate authority over another’s unique experience of their own existence. I for one am done with letting anyone tell me who I am or what's best for me or whether my intentions are good. It would be nice if we could all be more generous with another and hold a general assumption that most people are trying their best.
Thank you very much for reading and commenting, Alison. Deeply appreciate everything you’ve written here. Yes, the cultivation of self-trust and self-authority are so vitally important. We need spaces that foster this, as is my aim here on Substack. So true that we know ourselves best and we’re all endeavouring to do our best. It’s great to have you in this community. Warmly, Lil
Having experienced this very type of thing at a rather systemic and near traumatic level these past few years re: something I have vast personal experience in + some professional training around, and if I dare so say myself (& I do 😉) extremely good instincts about... Only to be faced with a 'group think default' conclusion - a very invalidating meaning one - (thereby saving their expense of a thorough investigation:) I've come to one concise conclusion to settle all (within myself).
Thank you for this great comment, Daisy. I appreciate all that you’ve written here and feel less alone - and most heartened - as a consequence. I feel you so hard here. That’s so right, the attitude of ‘you do you’ and ‘I’ll do me.’ There’s room enough for all of us to co-exist peacefully in our diversity. It’s so hard when ‘group think’ plays a devastating role in conclusions and there are certain (powerful) agendas supporting that unhealthy ending. So good to have you in this community!
Thank you. As a polymath, I truly needed to hear your identification of our shadow side. It rings true for me.
And as I explore my own neurodivergent map, writers such as you help me in my journey, to feel less lost, and confused about my own behaviors and responses. All good stuff. 🥹
Thank you for reading and commenting, Katrina. Greatly appreciate your insights. I’m sure I could learn a lot from you. We need each other as we navigate this confusing, intense and complex journey. Warmly, Lil
I so agree with this: "Neurodivergence is rarely about having experiences no one else has. It’s often about configuration. Pattern. Threshold. Intensity. Persistence."
I'm late diagnosed AuDHD. When I was doing psychic development several years ago most of the people I knew were very sensitive. They were not sensitive about everything, however, and were different in other ways. It was nice to have something in common with others but the overlap was limited. It's always like that for me.
I didn't read Dirk's essay and I don't really want to but I always feel like what the this-is-hard-for-everyone crowd is really saying is that the challenges are the same and that they, as individuals, are superior. They don't understand that things are rigged in their favor. I don't think they can.
Thank you very much for your thoughtful comment, Barbara. I appreciate everything you've written here. That's so interesting about having high sensitivity in common and yet finding the overlap limited. I relate! I'm glad you protected your nervous system by not reading Dirk's essay. Superiority and lack of understanding are a damaging mix, especially when it's cloaked in a not-so-subtle manipulation of "evidence" to support their bandwagon. I'll be writing more about this in my next essay. I feel you are right - things are rigged in their favour, and this is taken for granted. It's the water they swim in.
Reading this, and your Substack in general, always feels like a breath of fresh air. Like my brain can stretch a bit and flex its muscles for a change. Thank you for that. As for the issue at hand - it’s good to be reminded that not all comments and criticisms warrant an answer.
Thank you very much for reading my writing and commenting, Denise. Love everything you’ve written here. So glad you feel this way as a reader. It means the world! Warmly, Lil
Thanks for letting me know this Denise. Sorry this is happening. So sad that this person feels threatened by my work and needs to seek attention in this way.
He’s definitely doubling down. The amount of energy that goes into making other people feel as bad as they do is astonishing. Just so they can feel in control and not quite so alone.
Oh dear, it's sad really. Such old, tired tactics! Yes, the energy that goes into making other people feel bad... it certainly is astonishing. He's doing a great job of pushing people away and the loneliness must be crushing. Thanks for your comment, Denise. Greatly appreciate it.
Made me think of Venn Diagrams - the NT circle, the ADHD circle and the ASD circle - each of us is a point within these circles. An NT person may exist partly to in the ND sphere thus the everyone is a bit "@@" view. Each of us shifts to some degree in our space by age, week, day, hour according to our needs or outside circumstances. Toss in gifted in a third dimension things can get more complicated. Dirk is in his NT sphere but has limited vision beyond his location, the ND world is beyond his perception but he has heard of it so he creates his interpretation based totally on his "real" view of something he refuses to and cannot see.
Mmm, this one - “We know what it feels like to have our inner reality reinterpreted by someone else with greater certainty than we ourselves are allowed.” For sure - I am always considering so many possibilities and must intentionally choose points in which I allow myself certainty simply because it is subjectively my truth, and yet even then - it is held loosely because all things change. I really love the entire last section - I have never found a home in the gifted communities online because many seem rooted in fundamentalist thinking - even when they decry fundamentalism. They point and say you lack epistemic humility when you simply do not comply with their expectations of sameness.
Thank you very much for reading and commenting, Heather. Love every word here and relate so hard!! All things do change, so true. Glad the last section spoke to you. All the best.
What’s telling is when the objection is put out into the public in your comments section. Dirk could have just as easily “respectfully disagreed” with you through a private message. Such a well articulated essay. You nailed it. Thank you!
Thank you, Drew. Your comment means a lot to me. I appreciate your insight - a private message would have been appropriate and respectful versus a public "outing" in a comments section.
I recently had an acquaintance tell me that my burnout was “depression and aging” . Seriously
Oof! I feel you, Laura. That's exactly the experience my essay explores. It's so frustrating and fraught with misunderstanding that we've been navigating, one way or another, for a long time. Thank you for reading and commenting.
Have you gotten the “it’s perimenopause” comment yet? The newest way to gaslight a woman struggling in any way.
I’ve not received it directly but friends have. Yes, so true, it’s a convenient, catch all gas light for any struggle a woman may have. Then again, women’s menstrual cycle has also been similarly targeted. Perhaps it’s the continuation of a life long - chronic - trend.
Thanks Lil for establishing space for authentic acceptance of both a gifted self and others.
I've experienced the isolation and criticism of self you point to. No one has a right to encapsulate an individual in simple terms, especially in the world we're all trying to live in.
Thanks again for your creation of a welcoming community.
Best,
Steve F.
Thank you very much, Steve, for reading and commenting. It’s great to have you in this community. I deeply appreciate all that you’ve written here. That’s so true, no one has the right to encapsulate an individual in simple terms. We’re all trying to get along as best we can – there’s room enough for differences of opinion as well as different ways of being. Warmly, Lil
Lily, your work is consistently relevant and insightful. You have a way of clearly showing nuance and complexity in ways that are, while not of sound bite length (thank heavens!), remain succinct and clear while retaining detail. It's often evident that much thought and prior experience (both informally lived and professionally learned) have gone into the formation and expression of what you write.
This piece is not only emblematic of what I've just described, it is exceptional amongst your already extraordinary body of work. You express an important perspective that is highly relevant for this era. And you do it thoughtfully and with firm kindness.
At the risk of falling prey to the very kind of reductionism you eloquently describe, a key element lies in this line:
“I may not fully understand this person’s lived reality.”
The essence of this statement runs through your piece; how we choose to examine our understanding of another (in addition to the already challenging work of trying to understand our own personal existences) is essential to navigating a world that sometimes seems oscillate between ideologies centered on "one size fits all" and those in which there is no meaningful commonality, only random and chaotic individual experiences.
Thank you so much for articulating this. It means the world to me and, I suspect, to quite a few others. It's a milestone piece.
As a side note, you also recall a discussion around why rigid ideologies can be doomed to fail. Too much to go into for this note; a discussion for another time.
Thank you so much for this amazing comment, Eric. I am deeply grateful for every word - they’ve gone straight to my heart. Your support means the world! Yes, I feel this essay expresses something that needed to be articulated. It’s been a long time coming! Thank you for seeing me, being there and being you, Eric. Your words are always truly meaningful, relevant, highly perceptive and of a rare calibre. Warmly, Lil
You're welcome, Lily. I think many have sensed what you expressed. I can’t think of many who could have so well expressed it. Thanks to you.
You’re so kind, Eric. Thank you🌟
I was also feeling the same way about this article as Eric did - and he expressed it so much better than I would have! So, thank you for this article, it was very much “what he said”! ☺️
That’s awesome, thanks for your comment here, Keena. So glad you feel the same way as Eric about this article. Means the world! Warmly, Lil
Thanks so much for sharing. I've grappled with these issues too and I've boiled it down to a simple question- is this an invitation to engage in a reciprocal relationship or an act of domination? Scrutinising the underlying power dynamics helps me avoid going down the deep rabbit hole unnecessarily and dealing with the subsequent exhaustion! X
Thank you very much for reading and commenting, Emily. Love your simple question. Too true – scrutinising the underlying power dynamics is such a helpful step and yes, saving massive amounts of energy in the process!! That’s hard-earned wisdom and I appreciate you for sharing it.
Nail on the head!
To publish
is not to perish
it is to let the idea
live
outside your custody
you understand the world differently today
than you did yesterday
This is so true. Thank you for reading and commenting @fport
Someone recently commented on a long, nuanced, exploratory essay around my experiences as a neurodivergent person with "Sounds like mast cell activation." When a trail of such invalidating, dismissive and irrelevant comments appeared on other essays and Notes (from the same person), I blocked them. Thank you for naming this kind of behaviour what it is.
Thank you for reading and commenting, Morgana. Geez, mast cell activation hey? I find comments like this maddening! I suppose that’s sometimes their aim. Yes, I’m experiencing the same thing - some comments are brief, some long - skirting the perimeters of this community. The ‘block’ button has been used a few times to protect my nervous system.
I think they often are deliberately provocative! I'm glad to hear you're taking advantage of the block option too - so good that it's there.
Yes it’s so good that ‘block’ option is there!! Plus it can be ‘forever’😊 I’m sure you’re right - the provocation is probably deliberate.
All around all of us are self proclaimed experts. Once these people decide they are experts that means they have stopped learning as they think they already know everything.
Yes, so true! A great summation, thanks for commenting Jim.
You are most welcome.
Very well said and encapsulates so well what I've noticed too in online spaces, where it's so easy for someone to waltz into another’s space and demand evidence or claim they have superior knowledge. At the root of this issue is that all of us have the right and should be encouraged to develop self-trust, that we know ourselves best and can determine better than anyone what is best for ourselves, and that at the same time we cannot be the ultimate authority over another’s unique experience of their own existence. I for one am done with letting anyone tell me who I am or what's best for me or whether my intentions are good. It would be nice if we could all be more generous with another and hold a general assumption that most people are trying their best.
Thank you very much for reading and commenting, Alison. Deeply appreciate everything you’ve written here. Yes, the cultivation of self-trust and self-authority are so vitally important. We need spaces that foster this, as is my aim here on Substack. So true that we know ourselves best and we’re all endeavouring to do our best. It’s great to have you in this community. Warmly, Lil
Having experienced this very type of thing at a rather systemic and near traumatic level these past few years re: something I have vast personal experience in + some professional training around, and if I dare so say myself (& I do 😉) extremely good instincts about... Only to be faced with a 'group think default' conclusion - a very invalidating meaning one - (thereby saving their expense of a thorough investigation:) I've come to one concise conclusion to settle all (within myself).
*'I know what I know* ... and so...
You do you, [boo]
And I'll do me...'
[And that's the End of the matter].
Done.
Thank you for this great comment, Daisy. I appreciate all that you’ve written here and feel less alone - and most heartened - as a consequence. I feel you so hard here. That’s so right, the attitude of ‘you do you’ and ‘I’ll do me.’ There’s room enough for all of us to co-exist peacefully in our diversity. It’s so hard when ‘group think’ plays a devastating role in conclusions and there are certain (powerful) agendas supporting that unhealthy ending. So good to have you in this community!
Thank you. As a polymath, I truly needed to hear your identification of our shadow side. It rings true for me.
And as I explore my own neurodivergent map, writers such as you help me in my journey, to feel less lost, and confused about my own behaviors and responses. All good stuff. 🥹
Thank you for reading and commenting, Katrina. Greatly appreciate your insights. I’m sure I could learn a lot from you. We need each other as we navigate this confusing, intense and complex journey. Warmly, Lil
I agree. I'm looking forward to your next post@
Thank you, Barbara. Would love to know what you think of it.
I so agree with this: "Neurodivergence is rarely about having experiences no one else has. It’s often about configuration. Pattern. Threshold. Intensity. Persistence."
I'm late diagnosed AuDHD. When I was doing psychic development several years ago most of the people I knew were very sensitive. They were not sensitive about everything, however, and were different in other ways. It was nice to have something in common with others but the overlap was limited. It's always like that for me.
I didn't read Dirk's essay and I don't really want to but I always feel like what the this-is-hard-for-everyone crowd is really saying is that the challenges are the same and that they, as individuals, are superior. They don't understand that things are rigged in their favor. I don't think they can.
Thank you very much for your thoughtful comment, Barbara. I appreciate everything you've written here. That's so interesting about having high sensitivity in common and yet finding the overlap limited. I relate! I'm glad you protected your nervous system by not reading Dirk's essay. Superiority and lack of understanding are a damaging mix, especially when it's cloaked in a not-so-subtle manipulation of "evidence" to support their bandwagon. I'll be writing more about this in my next essay. I feel you are right - things are rigged in their favour, and this is taken for granted. It's the water they swim in.
Reading this, and your Substack in general, always feels like a breath of fresh air. Like my brain can stretch a bit and flex its muscles for a change. Thank you for that. As for the issue at hand - it’s good to be reminded that not all comments and criticisms warrant an answer.
Thank you very much for reading my writing and commenting, Denise. Love everything you’ve written here. So glad you feel this way as a reader. It means the world! Warmly, Lil
Oh, now he replied to my restack of your post in the same way and tone, trying to be witty and annoying by adding a few typos to his reply. 🤦🏻♀️ 😂
Thanks for letting me know this Denise. Sorry this is happening. So sad that this person feels threatened by my work and needs to seek attention in this way.
He’s definitely doubling down. The amount of energy that goes into making other people feel as bad as they do is astonishing. Just so they can feel in control and not quite so alone.
Oh dear, it's sad really. Such old, tired tactics! Yes, the energy that goes into making other people feel bad... it certainly is astonishing. He's doing a great job of pushing people away and the loneliness must be crushing. Thanks for your comment, Denise. Greatly appreciate it.
Made me think of Venn Diagrams - the NT circle, the ADHD circle and the ASD circle - each of us is a point within these circles. An NT person may exist partly to in the ND sphere thus the everyone is a bit "@@" view. Each of us shifts to some degree in our space by age, week, day, hour according to our needs or outside circumstances. Toss in gifted in a third dimension things can get more complicated. Dirk is in his NT sphere but has limited vision beyond his location, the ND world is beyond his perception but he has heard of it so he creates his interpretation based totally on his "real" view of something he refuses to and cannot see.
Thank you very much for this thoughtful, insightful comment, Chris. Really appreciate it. You’re spot on!
Mmm, this one - “We know what it feels like to have our inner reality reinterpreted by someone else with greater certainty than we ourselves are allowed.” For sure - I am always considering so many possibilities and must intentionally choose points in which I allow myself certainty simply because it is subjectively my truth, and yet even then - it is held loosely because all things change. I really love the entire last section - I have never found a home in the gifted communities online because many seem rooted in fundamentalist thinking - even when they decry fundamentalism. They point and say you lack epistemic humility when you simply do not comply with their expectations of sameness.
Thank you very much for reading and commenting, Heather. Love every word here and relate so hard!! All things do change, so true. Glad the last section spoke to you. All the best.