The metaphor of the funhouse is an excellent one. It recalls both funhouses as a source of trauma (such as in horror films) as well as a place of amusement by which we see ourselves as distorted while having awareness that this is not our genuine self. Both represent polar opposites of the narratives by which we can come to regard ourselves.
You speak primarily to childhood experiences here. While I had a share of those distorted voices growing up, I was blessed to have caregivers and other significant adults who were able to perceive me and reflect that back positively. The relatively recent loss of them has been a journey unto itself.
In adult life, I experienced a very complex relationship (is there any other kind which is more than short-lived?) in which my partner both saw and did not see me, sometimes simultaneously and to different degrees. The distortions that they expressed have been a part of my never-ending journey towards self-knowledge. I’m coming through that challenging phase now, resetting my own perceptions. It’s a nuanced and gradual process. I’m very blessed to have a partner now—my wife—who sees me as “whole, able, and complete, just as [I am] and just as [I am] not.”
Thank you once again, Eric, for your wonderful comment. Love that you mention the horror movie side of the metaphor and the polar opposites that we can experience. So glad you had some adults around you with undistorted mirrors growing up and you must feel their loss deeply. Yes, that resetting of our own perceptions is gradual and nuanced, as you eloquently describe. Perhaps there’s no endpoint to this, just finer distinctions or resonances - the never-ending journey - yes!
It’s fascinating and validating to read words that explain why I experienced what I’ve experienced. And I am grateful to have met people who reflect without distortion, even if only later in life. Thank you for writing about the funhouse.
Thank you for reading and commenting, Steph. So glad to hear that you’ve met people who reflect without distortion, albeit later in life. This can be life changing🌟
What a beautiful way to articulate this experience. In early childhood I was blessed with teachers who provided the encouragement and validation of my curiosity and creativity. So, I have something to touch back to after a lifetime of very little understanding becomes a blessing twice!
One of the few mentors I had the privilege to encounter in adulthood said once " you need to understand, not everyone is as curious as you are" and while I didn't understand the significance of the statement fully then, I do now. Quieting the internal critic that arose is complicated and it's articles like this that breathe life into the desire to be. Just be, as I was originally. Not too "anything". Thank you so much.
Thank you very much for your thoughtful comment, Doreen. Teachers positively change lives in the wonderful ways - giving encouragement and validation - that you’ve highlighted. Yes, a blessing twice. The ability to be at peace with ourselves, to rest there, is the ultimate experience.
This is such an excellent piece on something I had never really thought about. It makes me reflect on my own childhood. I was fortunate to have been relatively well-supported emotionally as a child, which I think solidified my strong sense of self. It was not until I became a late teen/adult that my opinions - heck, my basic autonomy - threatened my narcissistic mother and enabling father.
Thanks for your comment, Camden. Great to read your reflections. So interesting how family dynamics morph and change. I’m glad my essay gave you food for thought.
I wonder about the adults born from 1925-40ish, the effects of the Depression and World Wars would have been massive and I reckon would have affected their abilities to attune to others, especially their children.
Could this have elevated the levels of neurodivergent experiences of their children? 🤷♂️
So glad you've raised this excellent point, Ted! There's no doubt that Depression and World Wars would have deeply affected how parents attuned to or mirrored their children. The distortions would have compounded as systems - political, social, familial, etc – endured massive instabilities and tragedies. Survival would have been top priority. Thanks for reading and commenting!
This piece names the formation of a particular kind of adult I have been trying to describe from a different angle. The child who grew up in the funhouse often becomes the parent who has to advocate for a child the institution is now distorting in its own ways - insurance forms, IEP meetings, standardized testing. The same distortion, applied to the next generation. What you are naming as the end of the funhouse is, for some of us, also the beginning of a second fight, this time on behalf of our children. Thank you for this language. It gives shape to something that was, until I read it, still shapeless for me.
Thank you for reading and commenting! So glad you have language now for this crucial developmental phase - mirroring. Distorted mirrors are everywhere, especially in institutions which makes navigating them even more challenging. Yes, so true, the second fight. Best wishes🌟
I know this well. It goes deep when it’s not just the mind that is not mirrored accurately but even the feelings and sense of existence at all. I think this goes back to trauma from birth for me.
Thanks for letting me know this, Sam. I understand and relate! It does go deep when crucial parts of ourselves don’t get mirrored accurately. When trauma is also in the mix, accurate mirroring is essential. I’m glad you’re here in this community🌟
A beautiful article. Thank you for this. I think my therapist who I worked with in my forties was my first true mirror. And eventually I found my own internally.
This was really good and highlights the importance of a healthy environment. Our society and the systems that run it need to prioritize and reward people having enough bandwidth to be fully present-so they can actually teach their children how to tend to their own environment and nurture their own nature.
The problem is that so many parents are overwhelmed by the constant noise. Many can’t even recognize it as noise anymore; it’s just the normal background hum of the rat race that keeps us running at maximum capacity stressed and running on reserve - That then feeds into that toxic environmental loop that hurts the neurodivergent child.
The metaphor of the funhouse is an excellent one. It recalls both funhouses as a source of trauma (such as in horror films) as well as a place of amusement by which we see ourselves as distorted while having awareness that this is not our genuine self. Both represent polar opposites of the narratives by which we can come to regard ourselves.
You speak primarily to childhood experiences here. While I had a share of those distorted voices growing up, I was blessed to have caregivers and other significant adults who were able to perceive me and reflect that back positively. The relatively recent loss of them has been a journey unto itself.
In adult life, I experienced a very complex relationship (is there any other kind which is more than short-lived?) in which my partner both saw and did not see me, sometimes simultaneously and to different degrees. The distortions that they expressed have been a part of my never-ending journey towards self-knowledge. I’m coming through that challenging phase now, resetting my own perceptions. It’s a nuanced and gradual process. I’m very blessed to have a partner now—my wife—who sees me as “whole, able, and complete, just as [I am] and just as [I am] not.”
Thanks for another insightful and helpful piece.
Thank you once again, Eric, for your wonderful comment. Love that you mention the horror movie side of the metaphor and the polar opposites that we can experience. So glad you had some adults around you with undistorted mirrors growing up and you must feel their loss deeply. Yes, that resetting of our own perceptions is gradual and nuanced, as you eloquently describe. Perhaps there’s no endpoint to this, just finer distinctions or resonances - the never-ending journey - yes!
It’s fascinating and validating to read words that explain why I experienced what I’ve experienced. And I am grateful to have met people who reflect without distortion, even if only later in life. Thank you for writing about the funhouse.
Thank you for reading and commenting, Steph. So glad to hear that you’ve met people who reflect without distortion, albeit later in life. This can be life changing🌟
It has been!
What a beautiful way to articulate this experience. In early childhood I was blessed with teachers who provided the encouragement and validation of my curiosity and creativity. So, I have something to touch back to after a lifetime of very little understanding becomes a blessing twice!
One of the few mentors I had the privilege to encounter in adulthood said once " you need to understand, not everyone is as curious as you are" and while I didn't understand the significance of the statement fully then, I do now. Quieting the internal critic that arose is complicated and it's articles like this that breathe life into the desire to be. Just be, as I was originally. Not too "anything". Thank you so much.
Thank you very much for your thoughtful comment, Doreen. Teachers positively change lives in the wonderful ways - giving encouragement and validation - that you’ve highlighted. Yes, a blessing twice. The ability to be at peace with ourselves, to rest there, is the ultimate experience.
This is such an excellent piece on something I had never really thought about. It makes me reflect on my own childhood. I was fortunate to have been relatively well-supported emotionally as a child, which I think solidified my strong sense of self. It was not until I became a late teen/adult that my opinions - heck, my basic autonomy - threatened my narcissistic mother and enabling father.
Thanks for your comment, Camden. Great to read your reflections. So interesting how family dynamics morph and change. I’m glad my essay gave you food for thought.
I wonder about the adults born from 1925-40ish, the effects of the Depression and World Wars would have been massive and I reckon would have affected their abilities to attune to others, especially their children.
Could this have elevated the levels of neurodivergent experiences of their children? 🤷♂️
So glad you've raised this excellent point, Ted! There's no doubt that Depression and World Wars would have deeply affected how parents attuned to or mirrored their children. The distortions would have compounded as systems - political, social, familial, etc – endured massive instabilities and tragedies. Survival would have been top priority. Thanks for reading and commenting!
This piece names the formation of a particular kind of adult I have been trying to describe from a different angle. The child who grew up in the funhouse often becomes the parent who has to advocate for a child the institution is now distorting in its own ways - insurance forms, IEP meetings, standardized testing. The same distortion, applied to the next generation. What you are naming as the end of the funhouse is, for some of us, also the beginning of a second fight, this time on behalf of our children. Thank you for this language. It gives shape to something that was, until I read it, still shapeless for me.
Thank you for reading and commenting! So glad you have language now for this crucial developmental phase - mirroring. Distorted mirrors are everywhere, especially in institutions which makes navigating them even more challenging. Yes, so true, the second fight. Best wishes🌟
I know this well. It goes deep when it’s not just the mind that is not mirrored accurately but even the feelings and sense of existence at all. I think this goes back to trauma from birth for me.
Thanks for letting me know this, Sam. I understand and relate! It does go deep when crucial parts of ourselves don’t get mirrored accurately. When trauma is also in the mix, accurate mirroring is essential. I’m glad you’re here in this community🌟
A beautiful article. Thank you for this. I think my therapist who I worked with in my forties was my first true mirror. And eventually I found my own internally.
Thank you for reading and commenting, Davina. So glad to hear this🌟 Sometimes it only takes one true mirror to clear the path back home to ourselves🙏
My pleasure. 😊
This was really good and highlights the importance of a healthy environment. Our society and the systems that run it need to prioritize and reward people having enough bandwidth to be fully present-so they can actually teach their children how to tend to their own environment and nurture their own nature.
The problem is that so many parents are overwhelmed by the constant noise. Many can’t even recognize it as noise anymore; it’s just the normal background hum of the rat race that keeps us running at maximum capacity stressed and running on reserve - That then feeds into that toxic environmental loop that hurts the neurodivergent child.