Whoa! Wow! Once again you have articulated parts of my lived and felt experience so vividly - it both reassures and saddens me. It saddens me that nobody in my own family will ever understand how exhausting it is to be constantly reading the room, hearing what’s not been said much louder than what isn’t etc. And that, what I have always called my ‘self-consciousness’ - is still my biggest barrier at age 42! The times I have been most out of my head, was when I was off my head on ecstasy in my 20’s. It was so liberating to be able to converse and connect with people in real time, in the moment, without analysing it through 3 different lenses simultaneously. I spoke without thinking, without caring. As a parent, I am more in my head than ever these days, and I am constantly trying to find the ‘right’ ways to bring me out of myself. I have even stopped writing because I have found it too insular, it dials up the the meta-analysis - I sometimes wished I lived in a time before language… because thinking is in words. And I feel like I need a break from thinking. Ha! This is why I regularly delete Substack - but then when I do jump back in, I find essays like yours that make me feel less like I’m ‘imagining things’. And I don’t think I’m ASD or gifted - probably HSP. Which is not something that gets ‘tested’ for, so nobody knows about it, let alone understands or talks about in my social circle… As always, I appreciate the thought and time your writing must take.
Thank you very much for reading and commenting, Katie. I’m so glad you found resonance in this essay. I relate to everything you’ve written. So interesting about your experiences in your 20s. It makes sense that as a parent and a writer you’d notice yourself returning to states of meta-cognition and hypervigilance. Great to connect with you.
Lol! At least you can occasionally get some rest from me. So glad you found clarity in this essay of this multidimensional exploration. I covered as much as I could and still think there’s more to unpack… another day maybe. Thank you for reading and commenting Ted. As per usual, I greatly appreciate your support. XXX
Ah… thank you for also affirming we are not alone. Your article once again had an enlightening impact on me. I will soon make a note out of what was originally going to be a brief comment (seems to be my signature mode these days!). I’ll also watch something entertaining afterwards… my evening practice!
Well, I was working through my second edit when I pressed some key that sent Substack to a different page and lost a half hour’s worth of edits! C’est la vie!
I usually compose in a more stable application for pieces with more than several paragraphs, but I guess I live dangerously sometimes. 😸 I’ll keep working on it tomorrow, no worries. At least I have the original draft in another app.
The irony is that one of the reasons I cam to Substack is that it has superior tools for writing than other platforms I was using at the time. Well, everything is a work in progress.
I have never read anything that so clearly described me to me! I found myself shouting Yes! all through your post. To take just one example – "It’s difficult to fully relax into a play when you can see the stage construction, lighting rig, and script revisions happening simultaneously." I have tried many times to explain to friends that what I see on a stage is the costumes, the make-up, the artifice of it all, and I can't suspend my disbelief. They don't understand. They don't know where I'm coming from. Which just about sums up my lived experience. I observe reality from outside, or alongside at best, and I can't stop THINKING! Thank you Lily for explaining it so well.
You’re very welcome, Sheila. Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m so glad you found so much resonance in my essay. I relate to your experiences, especially when friends or family just don’t get it.
Have never read anything so validating! I regularly tell folks that I would be the least interesting person for a reporter to interview at the scene of a major event because I’d say something placing the event within historical context and rob it of all its temporal importance. I have also told therapists that I wished I could stop being a mussel attached to a rock, and instead could somehow be in the ocean with everyone else.
Thank you for this article. It helped to read something so resonant as I continue to try to understand myself (from a comfortable distance :)
Thank you very much for reading and commenting, Courtney. I’m so glad you found this essay validating. It’s an experience that doesn’t get talked about often enough. It’s a little tricky to put words to - how it is to live this way because it’s constant, like the air we breathe. That’s so visceral - to be a mussel attached to a rock instead of being in the ocean with everyone else. I relate to this so much. And yes, being interviewed by a reporter, that’s exactly it. We see the multidimensional - contextual - which easily overrides the temporal.
Yes! This started sometime in middle school. That is when my home life got really bad. Only recently have I felt like I have some people I can just be and not observe as well. My small dance class is a group I can usually just be and enjoy. It has been a struggle. Lately realizing how few people would actually reach out to me if I stopped first and how that is my whole life. Really grieving that.
Thank you for reading and commenting, Michelle. I’m so glad you have a dance class where you can be and enjoy. I relate to your grief. I recently had a similar realisation and let go of some friendships that had stopped being nourishing. It’s hard when the circle is already small. Quality over quantity though.
Whoa! Wow! Once again you have articulated parts of my lived and felt experience so vividly - it both reassures and saddens me. It saddens me that nobody in my own family will ever understand how exhausting it is to be constantly reading the room, hearing what’s not been said much louder than what isn’t etc. And that, what I have always called my ‘self-consciousness’ - is still my biggest barrier at age 42! The times I have been most out of my head, was when I was off my head on ecstasy in my 20’s. It was so liberating to be able to converse and connect with people in real time, in the moment, without analysing it through 3 different lenses simultaneously. I spoke without thinking, without caring. As a parent, I am more in my head than ever these days, and I am constantly trying to find the ‘right’ ways to bring me out of myself. I have even stopped writing because I have found it too insular, it dials up the the meta-analysis - I sometimes wished I lived in a time before language… because thinking is in words. And I feel like I need a break from thinking. Ha! This is why I regularly delete Substack - but then when I do jump back in, I find essays like yours that make me feel less like I’m ‘imagining things’. And I don’t think I’m ASD or gifted - probably HSP. Which is not something that gets ‘tested’ for, so nobody knows about it, let alone understands or talks about in my social circle… As always, I appreciate the thought and time your writing must take.
Thank you very much for reading and commenting, Katie. I’m so glad you found resonance in this essay. I relate to everything you’ve written. So interesting about your experiences in your 20s. It makes sense that as a parent and a writer you’d notice yourself returning to states of meta-cognition and hypervigilance. Great to connect with you.
“metacognitive monitoring”, "Why the perpetual observation?"
Phew, so many elements clearly articulated...
I witness (some) of these phenomena on a daily basis for brief periods.
Your essay helped me understand the energy it takes for you to operate on a daily basis...
I think I need a lie-down...
Lol! At least you can occasionally get some rest from me. So glad you found clarity in this essay of this multidimensional exploration. I covered as much as I could and still think there’s more to unpack… another day maybe. Thank you for reading and commenting Ted. As per usual, I greatly appreciate your support. XXX
“I think I need a lie down…” well said! A bit of levity and humor tho lighten the seriousness and heaviness of all this examination. 😸
I know, right?! I had to watch two funny movies to recover from writing this essay!! Thanks for the levity, Eric.
Ah… thank you for also affirming we are not alone. Your article once again had an enlightening impact on me. I will soon make a note out of what was originally going to be a brief comment (seems to be my signature mode these days!). I’ll also watch something entertaining afterwards… my evening practice!
Wonderful, Eric! I look forward to your thoughts - brief or otherwise - no pressure, of course.
Well, I was working through my second edit when I pressed some key that sent Substack to a different page and lost a half hour’s worth of edits! C’est la vie!
I usually compose in a more stable application for pieces with more than several paragraphs, but I guess I live dangerously sometimes. 😸 I’ll keep working on it tomorrow, no worries. At least I have the original draft in another app.
The irony is that one of the reasons I cam to Substack is that it has superior tools for writing than other platforms I was using at the time. Well, everything is a work in progress.
I have never read anything that so clearly described me to me! I found myself shouting Yes! all through your post. To take just one example – "It’s difficult to fully relax into a play when you can see the stage construction, lighting rig, and script revisions happening simultaneously." I have tried many times to explain to friends that what I see on a stage is the costumes, the make-up, the artifice of it all, and I can't suspend my disbelief. They don't understand. They don't know where I'm coming from. Which just about sums up my lived experience. I observe reality from outside, or alongside at best, and I can't stop THINKING! Thank you Lily for explaining it so well.
You’re very welcome, Sheila. Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m so glad you found so much resonance in my essay. I relate to your experiences, especially when friends or family just don’t get it.
Have never read anything so validating! I regularly tell folks that I would be the least interesting person for a reporter to interview at the scene of a major event because I’d say something placing the event within historical context and rob it of all its temporal importance. I have also told therapists that I wished I could stop being a mussel attached to a rock, and instead could somehow be in the ocean with everyone else.
Thank you for this article. It helped to read something so resonant as I continue to try to understand myself (from a comfortable distance :)
Thank you very much for reading and commenting, Courtney. I’m so glad you found this essay validating. It’s an experience that doesn’t get talked about often enough. It’s a little tricky to put words to - how it is to live this way because it’s constant, like the air we breathe. That’s so visceral - to be a mussel attached to a rock instead of being in the ocean with everyone else. I relate to this so much. And yes, being interviewed by a reporter, that’s exactly it. We see the multidimensional - contextual - which easily overrides the temporal.
Yes! This started sometime in middle school. That is when my home life got really bad. Only recently have I felt like I have some people I can just be and not observe as well. My small dance class is a group I can usually just be and enjoy. It has been a struggle. Lately realizing how few people would actually reach out to me if I stopped first and how that is my whole life. Really grieving that.
Thank you for reading and commenting, Michelle. I’m so glad you have a dance class where you can be and enjoy. I relate to your grief. I recently had a similar realisation and let go of some friendships that had stopped being nourishing. It’s hard when the circle is already small. Quality over quantity though.